If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
