I've blown a few things in my day
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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