woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
