If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
