He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
