I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
