He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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