Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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