I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
