The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
