i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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