I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
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the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
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We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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