don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
