Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Randomize
