So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
