i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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