Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
