Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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