FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
