The best revenge is premature balding
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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