it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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