The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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