well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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