Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
