also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
