I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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