Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
