Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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