i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
