I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
COCAINE IS GR8
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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