Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
