Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
