I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
