I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
