woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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