mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
