Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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