I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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