I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
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For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
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I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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