I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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