Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover