My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
