Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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