OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
