My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
