I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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