Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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