After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
