I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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