Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
