i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
