Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
