he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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