I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
