I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
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I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
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I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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