I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
