so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
