Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
