Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Randomize
