He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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