This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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