Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
